Sup faggots? Yeah, that’s right. This is Pauly D from MTV’s hit reality television show Jersey Shore. You’re all fucking no life losers. You think you’re all cool with your internets, blogs, and pictures of cats. What the fuck is that even about? That shit’s for pussies.
A real guido knows where his priorities are. Instead of sitting at home alone in your mommy’s basements, you should be out at the clubs pumpin’ your fists to some hot house music. You still wouldn’t even get a hot wifey like me. I’m fucking crawlin in bitches. I bring home the pussy in barrels bro. FUCKIN BARRELS.
The real reason for this shout out was to wish all you Sick Damage faggots a very merry Christmas just like we do in good ole’ Italia. My fuckin Christmas stocking looks like the Italian fucking boot of Italy bro. You don’t have shit for stockings. Your fucking stocking is as weak as my swollen juiced up nut sack.
Before I stuff my mouth with a nice plate of hot monicotti, i’m gonna down a fuckin Poweraid. So when it comes time to opening those Christmas gifts, I’ll be in the fuckin zone bro.
I already made a list for Saint Nicholas of the gifts I want bro. You know, nothing but the essentials. I need my industrial sized tub of Got2B Glued hair gel. Gotta keep that the hair defying gravity at all times. For those sick blow out haircuts all the guidettes love so much. I also asked for an assortment of skin tight white V-neck muscle shirts that I can rip out of like the fuckin Hulk bro. Last but not least bro, I want a bottle of that spray-on tan stuff. That shit lets me look like a Teddy Graham all real nice and shit. I ain’t got time for the real tanning shit. It’s winter bro, the beaches are whack.
Alright, all this fuckin typin’ has got me all ancey bro. I should be hittin’ the gym right about now anyway. Do a few squats and snort a thermos of NO-Xplode. Just remember, while you’re busy playin with your Furbys and Nintendos like a bunch of jerk offs on Christmas day, I’ll be hitten the Jersey Shore with mah boiz keepin it Fresh2Death. If you look hard enough, maybe you’ll spot me. Look for an Ed Hardy hat in between two arms the size of planets. Yeah, you heard it. Be easy ya queefs. I’m gonna go stick my dick in a connoli.
Peace.
-Pauly D
ps. “The Situation” is a pussy.
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